Fic: The Right Path 7/?
Mar. 6th, 2008 07:14 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
princessacadra.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
mag7fansTitle: The Right Path - chapter seven
Category: Delinquent AU (aka ATF Teen AU)
Characters: Vin, Ezra, Buck/Chris, JD
Rating: R
Warnings: Slash, mentions of child abuse, profanity
Summary: Sequel to "Delinquent", "Substitute Dreams", Uncomfortable Decisions with the Halloween side stories/prequels Halloween Tales part of the Delinquent Universe which is a spin off of Mog’s ATF universe. Vin and Ezra have more choices to make with the guidance of Chris and Buck; Chris and Buck also have some issues they need to deal with.
Previous chapter(s): Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
“Have a fight with your girlfriend?”
Vin whirled around, ready to knock the smirk off Eli Joe’s face that he could certainly hear in his voice. He would have completed the move had Chris not been standing right there barking, “Vincent!” While he still had the chance Vin stepped in toward Eli Joe and growled under his breath, “If you say another thing about Ezra – ”
The grin on Eli Joe’s face widen in amusement. “You’ll what?”
Before Vin could form a response he was being nudged away from Eli Joe. “That’s enough of that.” Chris’s eyes fell on Eli Joe next. “Both of you. There will be no more comments like that about anyone here. You got that?”
“Yes, sir.” Eli Joe ducked his head as if he were ashamed of himself, but Vin knew better and had seen this act before. It was growing old.
“Are you seriously going to believe that? After what he already did to Ezra?” He fought against Chris’s sudden grip on his arm when he attempted to get around him with the intent of breaking in Eli Joe’s nose. There was just too much that Eli Joe had been able to get away with in the past and while that bothered him it was what Eli Joe had more recently done to Ezra that was more prominent in Vin’s mind.
Chris stepped toward Vin, directing him away from his intended target. “You need to calm down now.”
“You’re taking his side, too? Why the hell does everyone believe him? He’s nothing but a liar!” Vin’s voice rose in volume and pitch as he twisted and pulled his way free of Chris’s grasp. Instead of going toward Eli Joe like he wanted, Vin backed away and went to his room, slamming the door behind him.
When Chris turned he found Buck standing in the doorway just behind Ezra who had a frozen expression on his face. “I’m guessing that means we aren’t going running. You had enough exercise at practice or would you like to go?”
Ezra’s eyes darted toward the direction Vin had disappeared in and then back to Chris shaking his head rapidly. Then Ezra slipped out of the room very quietly, following in Vin’s wake. On the way to his destination Ezra couldn’t help but hear Chris comment that he had had a nice long chat with Eli Joe before they had arrived. “Vin?” He scratched at the door softly and didn’t let up until he heard the handle turn and the door opened.
“What?”
“Let me in.” When Vin shifted over Ezra pressed himself inside the room and claimed a spot on Vin’s bed. “Are you mad at me?”
Vin shook his head. “A little.”
“Good, because I’m mad at you, too. I’m mad because you aren’t giving Eli Joe a chance, which is why I didn’t tell you what happened in the first place. Not that I’m blaming you because we each have made choices here, but…” Ezra trailed off, his eyes hardening suddenly. “I don’t think you realize how self-involved you can be sometimes. Last year I remember the fights you got into, hell the ones you got into earlier this year. There are a lot of people that were and are still concerned about you that you didn’t want anything to do with.”
“What about you?”
That took Ezra off guard for a moment. “What do you mean?”
“You haven’t taken the help that’s been offered to you. Chris, Buck… John? The social workers, the – ” Vin trailed to a halt when Ezra waved his hands in front of him. “I just wanted to point that out.”
“It’s not really the same thing. I’m not in any trouble and it’s not like I haven’t talked to anyone; there’s you after all.”
Vin gave Ezra a hard look. “There’s a lot of people concerned about you, too, and you’ve brushed their help aside. I’m not saying I haven’t done the same thing because I know I have, but maybe I’ve needed that in order to take time to deal with… everything. Maybe you should be a little more self-involved and start dealing with what you’ve gone through and stop thinking about how everyone sees you.”
For a moment it was as if the room was spinning around Ezra and when he shut his eyes it only made it worse. So he kept his eyes open even as a familiar voice echoed in his mind, “Appearances are everything, darling.”
“It’s okay not to be happy all the time,” Vin was saying. “It’s okay to not be okay. You don’t tell anyone what’s going on and… Ez? You – ?”
Ezra recognized the tension headache for what it was, stress related and self-inflicted and not nearly as unmanageable as a migraine, though still unwelcome. He clawed past the wave of self-loathing to focus on Vin and his astoundingly beautiful and compassionate blue eyes. “I can’t. Isn’t it obvious? If I do that I’ll break and…”
“And if you break you’ll just pick the pieces up and go on.”
He tried to smile, but his mouth wouldn’t curl up. “What if I break and there’s just nothing left?”
“You’re stronger than that, Ezra.” His hand curled over Ezra’s shoulder and though Vin felt the shiver Ezra allowed the touch. “You’ve had to be stronger. Sometimes letting go seems like the most awful thing in the world, like you’re on the edge of a cliff that’s crumbling under you with no choice but to go down. It’s not so bad, though, just hurts the first time until you realize how much better it is after that.”
It didn’t make any sense, it just didn’t. For once there wasn’t anything that Ezra could say to get him out of this conversation or to turn everything around. Ezra didn’t want to think about it and yet there was Vin right in front of him, demanding that he face it. “How can you be so patient with me and you can’t even give Eli a chance?”
Vin’s jaw clenched and he dropped down onto the bed beside Ezra with a heavy sigh. “Okay, okay. I promise to try to be nicer to Eli if you promise to try and cooperate with John. He really is a good guy.”
“Okay. Deal.” Ezra closed one eye in a half wince. “I can’t promise anything, though.”
“Neither can I!” Trying to get along with Eli Joe was like trying to be nice to a rabid badger. All anyone really wanted to do was shoot the damn thing and be done with it, but Vin knew that there wasn’t much he could do to help Ezra and the one that could Ezra probably wasn’t talking to. At least if Ezra was trying then maybe he could help with everything else.
#t#
Nothing was ever easy, but it seemed like adding a third boy to the mix had really stirred everything up. Ezra had accepted it surprisingly well and Vin was completely against it. When Chris had gotten home and was able to spend some time with Elijah without anyone else around he discovered that Eli wasn’t a bad kid. They had a discussion on Eli’s behavior toward Vin and how they needed to get along and while Eli had appeared to agree to that, the first words out of his mouth when Vin arrived home had been mocking.
“Like oil and water.” There was amused resignation in Buck’s voice as he started in on making dinner.
“You got that right.” Eli had wandered off shortly after Ezra had taken off after Vin and left the two of them alone. “I don’t know what those boys are going to do. Separately they are okay, but together it doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe we’ll hear something soon about Eli’s relatives.”
There was a good reason for them to want Eli out of the picture, though at the same time that wasn’t going to resolve the issue in the long run. “That would work, but that’s not necessarily the best solution. Sure, they don’t like each other, I get that. On the other hand they are going to have to find a way to get along in spite of that. It might be good for both of them.”
“Some people just don’t get along and never will.” A grin started to appear on Buck’s face that Chris didn’t like at all. “Don’t even say it!” It was a well known fact at work that Chris was difficult to get along with and he’d pissed off more people than was probably good getting what he wanted. At the same time he was an excellent team leader and fought for his team like a mama bear defended her cubs.
“Wasn’t gonna say it, stud. Just thinking it.” Buck knew it was possible for the boys to at least come to some sort of agreement. The way Vin was acting it was as if they’d poured salt in an open wound and while Buck didn’t think there was any harm in what Ezra was trying to do he could also see it ending disastrously. Of course, maybe if the boys broke up now instead of later they could continue being friends. With Ezra being edgy and suddenly not wanting to be touched by Vin it gave Buck the impression that maybe Ezra wasn’t interested in boys at all. Or it was possible that Ezra was finally starting to deal with what happened to him and he didn’t want anyone touching him regardless of gender.
Chris sidled up beside Buck, just leaning against him. “The boys will be fine, Buck. If nothing else Vin will find someone else to catch his eye and Ezra from what I’ve seen isn’t just going to drop him.”
“No,” Buck snorted. “He’ll start a fight and make Vin break up with him. That will be just what we need, more drama.”
#t#
School on Thursday brought almost nothing interesting beyond mindlessly starting at a television or having a boring discussion on what they were going to do for summer vacation. Ezra was tempted to say that he was going to kill himself from sheer boredom. It was almost a relief when Chris came to get them for their appointments with John because the thought of not having school on Monday was absolutely terrifying.
Vin sensed Ezra’s nervousness and chalked it up to the fact that Ezra had made a promise to try to cooperate more with John. The first time Vin had chosen to be honest with a counselor he’d been scared shitless, too, and that had been his own choice not something he’d promised anyone he’d do. His own appointment was awkward and Vin talked about what he wanted to do for the summer as well as his frustration with having Eli Joe in their home.
“It will be nice having Nettie stay with us,” Vin told Chris after he was released from his appointment.
“Oh, about that, Buck’s going to be home for most of the summer with you boys. He’s going to have about two more weeks of work after school ends and then he’ll be… well, sort of retiring, I guess.” It was almost spoken like an after thought, but Vin sensed there was more to it than that. Chris sounded relieved.
Vin frowned and sank down in the padded but still uncomfortable chair in the waiting area. “That will be okay, too.” He still wasn’t altogether sure about Buck though he had no reason to dislike the man and Ezra seemed to like him well enough or at least better than he liked Chris. “Casey could still come over with Nettie though?”
“I don’t see why not, as long as Buck and Nettie don’t have a problem with it. Maybe JD could come as well. Or some of Ezra’s friends?”
“Yeah, that could work.” As long as it wasn’t Asher. He was all sporty and pretty and he paid way too much attention to Ezra than Vin thought was appropriate.
#t#
As soon as Ezra had settled down in one of the armchairs John suggested that they talk about relationships. Ezra’s relationships with the people he lived with, friends at school, his mother, and also past relationships like other friends at previous schools and his many step-fathers. It wasn’t difficult to talk about his friends or Vin and he only briefly spoke on the tentative relationship he had with Buck and Chris.
“What about your mother?”
The question stung Ezra more than he liked. “What about her?”
“What’s your relationship with your mother like? Have you ever been upset with her for some reason? Have you ever been pleased about something she did? Anything.”
“There’s not really anything to say. I’ve never been upset with her.” His voice had become very automatic, dead-sounding without any emotion whatsoever and Ezra couldn’t muster the energy to fake it.
“Never? She’s never done anything you didn’t like or thought was wrong?”
“No, never.”
“If that were true that would mean your mother was perfect and never does anything wrong at all.”
“She is perfect.”
John paused for just a moment before asking, “Are you perfect, Ezra?”
“No, far from it.”
“Am I perfect?”
Ezra shook his head. “I know what you’re getting at, but she is perfect.” The subject was dropped because Ezra refused to go beyond that train of thought, though the next question was no easier than the last.
“What about your step-fathers. You’ve had a lot of them so how about you tell me about them.”
“Not really much to tell. Some were okay and some weren’t, but we were never really anywhere for a long time so it never mattered.” Ezra twisted in his seat for a moment until he forced himself to stop. “I liked Jason. He was my first step-father and he was nice from what little of him I can remember.”
They went through his step-fathers not by name after that but by number – there were eight in total. Step-father number two merely got a, “Didn’t like him,” while three and four got a, “He wasn’t around much” and “He was okay”. Step-father number five also rated a, “Didn’t like him”, number six rated as “Not bad” and number seven was merely “Okay.”
“What about your latest step-father Marcus Barrett? Tell me about him.”
Ezra lifted his eyes briefly to look at John as he said simply, “I didn’t like him.”
“Is there any specific reason why you didn’t like him?” Ezra had no answer for that so the next question was, “How would you describe your relationship with Marcus?”
“Mr. Barrett,” Ezra interrupted, his hands trembling ever so faintly. “I called him Mr. Barrett.”
“All right. How would you describe your relationship with Mr. Barrett?”
Ezra took several breaths before forcing out the word, “Submissive.”
“Submissive. Were you the submissive one or was – ”
“I was.”
“Why was that? Did you do everything he asked you to?”
Ezra nodded, his voice wavering as he admitted, “Yes. Even if I told him I didn’t want to I still did it.” He cleared his throat as he straightened himself up as if to shake away the memories. “Mr. Barrett was a rather commanding person. ‘No’ was not an option.”
“Did he ever make you do anything that made you uncomfortable or that you thought was wrong?”
He felt his face flush and he turned his face toward the wall, instinctively shutting down if only for a moment. Then Ezra came back to himself and he recalled his promise to “try”. Ezra was not a liar by any means so he was going to try, at the very least. “Yes. But he didn’t make me. I let him.”
His skin crawled even in the artificial warmth that was created in the room that was cheery despite the too cold of the air conditioning. Then again Ezra was rarely warm regardless of where he was so perhaps it was a normal temperature. “I never fought him, I let him. So it’s my fault.”
“Did you tell him ‘no’?”
Ezra bit his lip, releasing it only when he felt the tang of blood in his mouth. “I did, at first. He let me go the first couple of times, but that’s part of it. To try and make me think I have a say in it. I knew it and I let him do it anyway.”
“What happened was not your fault, Ezra. This is not something you asked to happen to you and you are not to blame. He was the adult. Whatever happened is not your fault.”
It was unbelievable, the reassurances, because Ezra knew the truth. Everything was his fault. He had no one to blame but himself.
“Ezra, can you tell me what happened with your stepfather?”
He couldn’t stop the sharp tremble, the shaking in his hands as his mind formed the words his mouth didn’t want to say. Finally he whispered, the sound impossibly loud and ringing in his ears, “He fucked me.” Ezra couldn’t find more delicate words to use because that was what it was, pure and simple. There was nothing delicate or safe about it. “He fucked me and I let him.”
“It’s not your fault, Ezra.”
His breaths were loud, sharp, painful and not even John’s soothing voice could completely stop Ezra from hyperventilating. The door had opened, the one he’d kept carefully sealed for so long – Vin was wrong, it wasn’t like standing on the edge of a crumbling cliff. It was like suffocating, drowning, all that pressure dragging him down and there was no way to breathe, no way out. And when he did breathe there was nothing to take in but water, water flooding his lungs and burning, hurting beyond belief. It was like silent screams or not so silent screams. Screaming until he couldn’t scream anymore and it wouldn’t matter because no one who would help would hear.
Ezra stood abruptly and left the room, quick light steps taking him past the waiting room and to Chris’s truck. He didn’t say anything as he waited, standing very still with his head down. Chris didn’t say anything when he unlocked the truck and Ezra pulled himself inside, followed closely by Vin. It was a very quiet ride back to the ranch and even the noise of the truck was nothing in comparison to the screaming in Ezra’s head.
-to be continued-
Category: Delinquent AU (aka ATF Teen AU)
Characters: Vin, Ezra, Buck/Chris, JD
Rating: R
Warnings: Slash, mentions of child abuse, profanity
Summary: Sequel to "Delinquent", "Substitute Dreams", Uncomfortable Decisions with the Halloween side stories/prequels Halloween Tales part of the Delinquent Universe which is a spin off of Mog’s ATF universe. Vin and Ezra have more choices to make with the guidance of Chris and Buck; Chris and Buck also have some issues they need to deal with.
Previous chapter(s): Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
“Have a fight with your girlfriend?”
Vin whirled around, ready to knock the smirk off Eli Joe’s face that he could certainly hear in his voice. He would have completed the move had Chris not been standing right there barking, “Vincent!” While he still had the chance Vin stepped in toward Eli Joe and growled under his breath, “If you say another thing about Ezra – ”
The grin on Eli Joe’s face widen in amusement. “You’ll what?”
Before Vin could form a response he was being nudged away from Eli Joe. “That’s enough of that.” Chris’s eyes fell on Eli Joe next. “Both of you. There will be no more comments like that about anyone here. You got that?”
“Yes, sir.” Eli Joe ducked his head as if he were ashamed of himself, but Vin knew better and had seen this act before. It was growing old.
“Are you seriously going to believe that? After what he already did to Ezra?” He fought against Chris’s sudden grip on his arm when he attempted to get around him with the intent of breaking in Eli Joe’s nose. There was just too much that Eli Joe had been able to get away with in the past and while that bothered him it was what Eli Joe had more recently done to Ezra that was more prominent in Vin’s mind.
Chris stepped toward Vin, directing him away from his intended target. “You need to calm down now.”
“You’re taking his side, too? Why the hell does everyone believe him? He’s nothing but a liar!” Vin’s voice rose in volume and pitch as he twisted and pulled his way free of Chris’s grasp. Instead of going toward Eli Joe like he wanted, Vin backed away and went to his room, slamming the door behind him.
When Chris turned he found Buck standing in the doorway just behind Ezra who had a frozen expression on his face. “I’m guessing that means we aren’t going running. You had enough exercise at practice or would you like to go?”
Ezra’s eyes darted toward the direction Vin had disappeared in and then back to Chris shaking his head rapidly. Then Ezra slipped out of the room very quietly, following in Vin’s wake. On the way to his destination Ezra couldn’t help but hear Chris comment that he had had a nice long chat with Eli Joe before they had arrived. “Vin?” He scratched at the door softly and didn’t let up until he heard the handle turn and the door opened.
“What?”
“Let me in.” When Vin shifted over Ezra pressed himself inside the room and claimed a spot on Vin’s bed. “Are you mad at me?”
Vin shook his head. “A little.”
“Good, because I’m mad at you, too. I’m mad because you aren’t giving Eli Joe a chance, which is why I didn’t tell you what happened in the first place. Not that I’m blaming you because we each have made choices here, but…” Ezra trailed off, his eyes hardening suddenly. “I don’t think you realize how self-involved you can be sometimes. Last year I remember the fights you got into, hell the ones you got into earlier this year. There are a lot of people that were and are still concerned about you that you didn’t want anything to do with.”
“What about you?”
That took Ezra off guard for a moment. “What do you mean?”
“You haven’t taken the help that’s been offered to you. Chris, Buck… John? The social workers, the – ” Vin trailed to a halt when Ezra waved his hands in front of him. “I just wanted to point that out.”
“It’s not really the same thing. I’m not in any trouble and it’s not like I haven’t talked to anyone; there’s you after all.”
Vin gave Ezra a hard look. “There’s a lot of people concerned about you, too, and you’ve brushed their help aside. I’m not saying I haven’t done the same thing because I know I have, but maybe I’ve needed that in order to take time to deal with… everything. Maybe you should be a little more self-involved and start dealing with what you’ve gone through and stop thinking about how everyone sees you.”
For a moment it was as if the room was spinning around Ezra and when he shut his eyes it only made it worse. So he kept his eyes open even as a familiar voice echoed in his mind, “Appearances are everything, darling.”
“It’s okay not to be happy all the time,” Vin was saying. “It’s okay to not be okay. You don’t tell anyone what’s going on and… Ez? You – ?”
Ezra recognized the tension headache for what it was, stress related and self-inflicted and not nearly as unmanageable as a migraine, though still unwelcome. He clawed past the wave of self-loathing to focus on Vin and his astoundingly beautiful and compassionate blue eyes. “I can’t. Isn’t it obvious? If I do that I’ll break and…”
“And if you break you’ll just pick the pieces up and go on.”
He tried to smile, but his mouth wouldn’t curl up. “What if I break and there’s just nothing left?”
“You’re stronger than that, Ezra.” His hand curled over Ezra’s shoulder and though Vin felt the shiver Ezra allowed the touch. “You’ve had to be stronger. Sometimes letting go seems like the most awful thing in the world, like you’re on the edge of a cliff that’s crumbling under you with no choice but to go down. It’s not so bad, though, just hurts the first time until you realize how much better it is after that.”
It didn’t make any sense, it just didn’t. For once there wasn’t anything that Ezra could say to get him out of this conversation or to turn everything around. Ezra didn’t want to think about it and yet there was Vin right in front of him, demanding that he face it. “How can you be so patient with me and you can’t even give Eli a chance?”
Vin’s jaw clenched and he dropped down onto the bed beside Ezra with a heavy sigh. “Okay, okay. I promise to try to be nicer to Eli if you promise to try and cooperate with John. He really is a good guy.”
“Okay. Deal.” Ezra closed one eye in a half wince. “I can’t promise anything, though.”
“Neither can I!” Trying to get along with Eli Joe was like trying to be nice to a rabid badger. All anyone really wanted to do was shoot the damn thing and be done with it, but Vin knew that there wasn’t much he could do to help Ezra and the one that could Ezra probably wasn’t talking to. At least if Ezra was trying then maybe he could help with everything else.
#t#
Nothing was ever easy, but it seemed like adding a third boy to the mix had really stirred everything up. Ezra had accepted it surprisingly well and Vin was completely against it. When Chris had gotten home and was able to spend some time with Elijah without anyone else around he discovered that Eli wasn’t a bad kid. They had a discussion on Eli’s behavior toward Vin and how they needed to get along and while Eli had appeared to agree to that, the first words out of his mouth when Vin arrived home had been mocking.
“Like oil and water.” There was amused resignation in Buck’s voice as he started in on making dinner.
“You got that right.” Eli had wandered off shortly after Ezra had taken off after Vin and left the two of them alone. “I don’t know what those boys are going to do. Separately they are okay, but together it doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe we’ll hear something soon about Eli’s relatives.”
There was a good reason for them to want Eli out of the picture, though at the same time that wasn’t going to resolve the issue in the long run. “That would work, but that’s not necessarily the best solution. Sure, they don’t like each other, I get that. On the other hand they are going to have to find a way to get along in spite of that. It might be good for both of them.”
“Some people just don’t get along and never will.” A grin started to appear on Buck’s face that Chris didn’t like at all. “Don’t even say it!” It was a well known fact at work that Chris was difficult to get along with and he’d pissed off more people than was probably good getting what he wanted. At the same time he was an excellent team leader and fought for his team like a mama bear defended her cubs.
“Wasn’t gonna say it, stud. Just thinking it.” Buck knew it was possible for the boys to at least come to some sort of agreement. The way Vin was acting it was as if they’d poured salt in an open wound and while Buck didn’t think there was any harm in what Ezra was trying to do he could also see it ending disastrously. Of course, maybe if the boys broke up now instead of later they could continue being friends. With Ezra being edgy and suddenly not wanting to be touched by Vin it gave Buck the impression that maybe Ezra wasn’t interested in boys at all. Or it was possible that Ezra was finally starting to deal with what happened to him and he didn’t want anyone touching him regardless of gender.
Chris sidled up beside Buck, just leaning against him. “The boys will be fine, Buck. If nothing else Vin will find someone else to catch his eye and Ezra from what I’ve seen isn’t just going to drop him.”
“No,” Buck snorted. “He’ll start a fight and make Vin break up with him. That will be just what we need, more drama.”
#t#
School on Thursday brought almost nothing interesting beyond mindlessly starting at a television or having a boring discussion on what they were going to do for summer vacation. Ezra was tempted to say that he was going to kill himself from sheer boredom. It was almost a relief when Chris came to get them for their appointments with John because the thought of not having school on Monday was absolutely terrifying.
Vin sensed Ezra’s nervousness and chalked it up to the fact that Ezra had made a promise to try to cooperate more with John. The first time Vin had chosen to be honest with a counselor he’d been scared shitless, too, and that had been his own choice not something he’d promised anyone he’d do. His own appointment was awkward and Vin talked about what he wanted to do for the summer as well as his frustration with having Eli Joe in their home.
“It will be nice having Nettie stay with us,” Vin told Chris after he was released from his appointment.
“Oh, about that, Buck’s going to be home for most of the summer with you boys. He’s going to have about two more weeks of work after school ends and then he’ll be… well, sort of retiring, I guess.” It was almost spoken like an after thought, but Vin sensed there was more to it than that. Chris sounded relieved.
Vin frowned and sank down in the padded but still uncomfortable chair in the waiting area. “That will be okay, too.” He still wasn’t altogether sure about Buck though he had no reason to dislike the man and Ezra seemed to like him well enough or at least better than he liked Chris. “Casey could still come over with Nettie though?”
“I don’t see why not, as long as Buck and Nettie don’t have a problem with it. Maybe JD could come as well. Or some of Ezra’s friends?”
“Yeah, that could work.” As long as it wasn’t Asher. He was all sporty and pretty and he paid way too much attention to Ezra than Vin thought was appropriate.
#t#
As soon as Ezra had settled down in one of the armchairs John suggested that they talk about relationships. Ezra’s relationships with the people he lived with, friends at school, his mother, and also past relationships like other friends at previous schools and his many step-fathers. It wasn’t difficult to talk about his friends or Vin and he only briefly spoke on the tentative relationship he had with Buck and Chris.
“What about your mother?”
The question stung Ezra more than he liked. “What about her?”
“What’s your relationship with your mother like? Have you ever been upset with her for some reason? Have you ever been pleased about something she did? Anything.”
“There’s not really anything to say. I’ve never been upset with her.” His voice had become very automatic, dead-sounding without any emotion whatsoever and Ezra couldn’t muster the energy to fake it.
“Never? She’s never done anything you didn’t like or thought was wrong?”
“No, never.”
“If that were true that would mean your mother was perfect and never does anything wrong at all.”
“She is perfect.”
John paused for just a moment before asking, “Are you perfect, Ezra?”
“No, far from it.”
“Am I perfect?”
Ezra shook his head. “I know what you’re getting at, but she is perfect.” The subject was dropped because Ezra refused to go beyond that train of thought, though the next question was no easier than the last.
“What about your step-fathers. You’ve had a lot of them so how about you tell me about them.”
“Not really much to tell. Some were okay and some weren’t, but we were never really anywhere for a long time so it never mattered.” Ezra twisted in his seat for a moment until he forced himself to stop. “I liked Jason. He was my first step-father and he was nice from what little of him I can remember.”
They went through his step-fathers not by name after that but by number – there were eight in total. Step-father number two merely got a, “Didn’t like him,” while three and four got a, “He wasn’t around much” and “He was okay”. Step-father number five also rated a, “Didn’t like him”, number six rated as “Not bad” and number seven was merely “Okay.”
“What about your latest step-father Marcus Barrett? Tell me about him.”
Ezra lifted his eyes briefly to look at John as he said simply, “I didn’t like him.”
“Is there any specific reason why you didn’t like him?” Ezra had no answer for that so the next question was, “How would you describe your relationship with Marcus?”
“Mr. Barrett,” Ezra interrupted, his hands trembling ever so faintly. “I called him Mr. Barrett.”
“All right. How would you describe your relationship with Mr. Barrett?”
Ezra took several breaths before forcing out the word, “Submissive.”
“Submissive. Were you the submissive one or was – ”
“I was.”
“Why was that? Did you do everything he asked you to?”
Ezra nodded, his voice wavering as he admitted, “Yes. Even if I told him I didn’t want to I still did it.” He cleared his throat as he straightened himself up as if to shake away the memories. “Mr. Barrett was a rather commanding person. ‘No’ was not an option.”
“Did he ever make you do anything that made you uncomfortable or that you thought was wrong?”
He felt his face flush and he turned his face toward the wall, instinctively shutting down if only for a moment. Then Ezra came back to himself and he recalled his promise to “try”. Ezra was not a liar by any means so he was going to try, at the very least. “Yes. But he didn’t make me. I let him.”
His skin crawled even in the artificial warmth that was created in the room that was cheery despite the too cold of the air conditioning. Then again Ezra was rarely warm regardless of where he was so perhaps it was a normal temperature. “I never fought him, I let him. So it’s my fault.”
“Did you tell him ‘no’?”
Ezra bit his lip, releasing it only when he felt the tang of blood in his mouth. “I did, at first. He let me go the first couple of times, but that’s part of it. To try and make me think I have a say in it. I knew it and I let him do it anyway.”
“What happened was not your fault, Ezra. This is not something you asked to happen to you and you are not to blame. He was the adult. Whatever happened is not your fault.”
It was unbelievable, the reassurances, because Ezra knew the truth. Everything was his fault. He had no one to blame but himself.
“Ezra, can you tell me what happened with your stepfather?”
He couldn’t stop the sharp tremble, the shaking in his hands as his mind formed the words his mouth didn’t want to say. Finally he whispered, the sound impossibly loud and ringing in his ears, “He fucked me.” Ezra couldn’t find more delicate words to use because that was what it was, pure and simple. There was nothing delicate or safe about it. “He fucked me and I let him.”
“It’s not your fault, Ezra.”
His breaths were loud, sharp, painful and not even John’s soothing voice could completely stop Ezra from hyperventilating. The door had opened, the one he’d kept carefully sealed for so long – Vin was wrong, it wasn’t like standing on the edge of a crumbling cliff. It was like suffocating, drowning, all that pressure dragging him down and there was no way to breathe, no way out. And when he did breathe there was nothing to take in but water, water flooding his lungs and burning, hurting beyond belief. It was like silent screams or not so silent screams. Screaming until he couldn’t scream anymore and it wouldn’t matter because no one who would help would hear.
Ezra stood abruptly and left the room, quick light steps taking him past the waiting room and to Chris’s truck. He didn’t say anything as he waited, standing very still with his head down. Chris didn’t say anything when he unlocked the truck and Ezra pulled himself inside, followed closely by Vin. It was a very quiet ride back to the ranch and even the noise of the truck was nothing in comparison to the screaming in Ezra’s head.
-to be continued-
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 12:50 pm (UTC)Lots of . . .building stress. Looking forward to the next part!!!!!
no subject
Date: 2008-03-16 02:09 pm (UTC)Stress can be good. There's probably going to be even more of that in the future, too...
no subject
Date: 2008-03-08 11:12 am (UTC)I know I said this already, but the interaction between Vin and Ezra just blows my mind.
And this?
At the same time he was an excellent team leader and fought for his team like a mama bear defended her cubs.
made me giggle.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-16 02:20 pm (UTC)Chris = mama bear. :P I think the same is true of Buck, too. There's a song that says "the female of the species is more deadly than the male" and it mentions bears and how if you shout at a male bear it will often go away, but that if you do the same to a female bear it will attack. ;)